Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The After Life
92-year-old reads her own obituaryAnne E. Hathaway was somewhat shocked Friday when a friend called to see if she was still alive.
The Orono resident’s obituary had appeared in Friday’s Bangor Daily News. The information in the short obituary and the list of death notices was correct, except for the part about her being dead. The deceased was actually Ann Hathaway of Bangor.
Both women had made advance funeral arrangements at the same funeral home. When pulling the file for the deceased Ann Hathaway, the funeral home employee didn’t realize there were two women with very similar names and grabbed the wrong one.
At 92, Hathaway admits she’s no spring chicken but said that she’s not dead yet"I just laughed," Hathaway said. "I went to the pearly gates and opened the door and they didn’t have any strawberry shortcake and they didn’t like the way my hair looked."
Widow takes her husband's ashes to NFL game?
Richard Desrosiers never made it to Heinz Field to watch his beloved Steelers play football, but his widow helped him fulfill his dream in death. Thanks to some help from sympathetic donors, Kathleen Desrosiers attended Sunday's game, bringing an urn with some of her late husband's ashes, as well as his ring and two pictures of him. He had died in March of a brain tumor.
Though he lived in Exeter, N.H., Richard Desrosiers adopted the Steelers at an early age and followed them closely. He named his dog Steeler and his wardrobe, by his widow's estimate, was 95 percent Steelers gear. Desrosiers was covered with a Steelers blanket when he died, and at his funeral, his two stepsons honored his memory by donning Steelers jerseys. » Article here
Funnier Then Shit!
BLONDE COWBOY
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots; so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are youdressed like this?" The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,"Now go to town cowboy...? And here I am."
BEHAVING BADLY
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it, and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was mentally disturbed, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
ELBOW
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed, "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message, "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis elbow will never get better."
REMAIN SILENT
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."
SALESMAN
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money." She proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots; so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are youdressed like this?" The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,"Now go to town cowboy...? And here I am."
BEHAVING BADLY
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it, and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was mentally disturbed, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
ELBOW
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed, "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message, "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis elbow will never get better."
REMAIN SILENT
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."
SALESMAN
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money." She proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Getting together for Christmas
A man in Des Moines calls his son in Los Angeles the day before Christmas and says, 'I hate to ruin Christmas this year, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls her parents immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way.'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls her parents immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way.'
Small Bits of News
Pink bikini gets serviceman jail
A Singapore national serviceman who sashayed into a lift (elevator) early one morning wearing only a pink bikini has been handed a day's jail and a $11,000 (£3,700) fine by a court.
Tan Wen Zhong, 21, admitted to five charges, including "outraging the modesty" of the woman who shared the lift with him and "fraudulent possession of women's underwear."A subsequent police search of his apartment turned up 46 pieces of women's underwear and bikinis as well as four obscene films.
Pavement sex teenager sentenced
A teenager who simulated sex on a pavement in the Scottish Borders has been put on probation for 12 months. Steven Marshall, 18, of Woodstock Avenue, Galashiels, admitted a charge of public indecency on 17 June. Selkirk Sheriff Court was told how he got into a press-up position with his trousers down on his home street and simulated sexual intercourse. The court heard Marshall was "very ashamed" and it was decided not to put him on the sex offenders' register. Mark Harrower, defending, told the court that Marshall had an arthritis condition which required medication and had been drinking to excess.
Danger Driver, 100, In Trouble Again
A 100-year-old Japanese man has been arrested after his car hit an umbrella held by a child.
Masaru Hori has been arrested several times for driving offences in recent months. But insisted he needs to stay on the road to stop himself going senile.
Click Here To Read More
Police: Driver Tries To Escape In Car Wash
Authorities in Fond du Lac, Wis., said a suspected drunk driver attempted to shake a Sheriff's Department reserve officer by driving through a car wash. The Fond du Lac County Sheriff's Department said the reserve officer stopped the driver on suspicion of drunken driving near a gas station. The driver attempted to flee by driving through the station's car wash, allegedly nearly striking a Fond du Lac Police Department officer when the vehicle sped out the other side.
Click Here To Read More
A Singapore national serviceman who sashayed into a lift (elevator) early one morning wearing only a pink bikini has been handed a day's jail and a $11,000 (£3,700) fine by a court.
Tan Wen Zhong, 21, admitted to five charges, including "outraging the modesty" of the woman who shared the lift with him and "fraudulent possession of women's underwear."A subsequent police search of his apartment turned up 46 pieces of women's underwear and bikinis as well as four obscene films.
Pavement sex teenager sentenced
A teenager who simulated sex on a pavement in the Scottish Borders has been put on probation for 12 months. Steven Marshall, 18, of Woodstock Avenue, Galashiels, admitted a charge of public indecency on 17 June. Selkirk Sheriff Court was told how he got into a press-up position with his trousers down on his home street and simulated sexual intercourse. The court heard Marshall was "very ashamed" and it was decided not to put him on the sex offenders' register. Mark Harrower, defending, told the court that Marshall had an arthritis condition which required medication and had been drinking to excess.
Danger Driver, 100, In Trouble Again
A 100-year-old Japanese man has been arrested after his car hit an umbrella held by a child.
Masaru Hori has been arrested several times for driving offences in recent months. But insisted he needs to stay on the road to stop himself going senile.
Click Here To Read More
Police: Driver Tries To Escape In Car Wash
Authorities in Fond du Lac, Wis., said a suspected drunk driver attempted to shake a Sheriff's Department reserve officer by driving through a car wash. The Fond du Lac County Sheriff's Department said the reserve officer stopped the driver on suspicion of drunken driving near a gas station. The driver attempted to flee by driving through the station's car wash, allegedly nearly striking a Fond du Lac Police Department officer when the vehicle sped out the other side.
Click Here To Read More
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