Saturday, May 31, 2008
10. Whale-Feces Researcher–They scoop up whale dung, then dig through it for clues.
9. Forensic Entomologist–They solve murders by studying maggots.
8. Olympic Drug Tester–They test the urine of world's top athletes, about 4,000 times over 21 days.
7. Gravity Research Subject–They lie still for weeks on end to test the effects of gravity deficiency.
6. Microsoft Security Grunt–They receive about 100,000 dings per year indicating that something in the Microsoft empire may have gone terribly wrong.
5. Coursework Carcass Preparer–They kill, pickle, and bottle the critters taht schoolkids cut up.
4. Garbologist–They dig through dumpsters to analyze modern consumption patterns and how quickly waste breaks down.
3. Elephant Vasectomist–Not pretty.
2. Oceanographer–They analyze the detrimental effects of over fishing, dead zones, water pollution, etc. destroying our oceans day in and day out.
1. Hazmat Diver–They swim in sewage. Enough said.
ARVADA, Colo. - Police in a Colorado town are searching for two robbers whose masks showed plenty of fashion sense but little modesty: women's thong underwear.
A surveillance video released this week by police in Arvada, Colo., shows two unarmed men inside the convenience store. They stole an undisclosed amount of cash and cigarettes in the robbery May 16.
One man wore a green thong and the other wore blue. Each thong barely covered the man's nose, mouth and chin and left the rest of his face exposed. One also wore a pink backpack in which he stuffed the stolen items.
The suspects also wore T-shirts and pants and were described as in their 20s. One had a left arm tattoo.
A Japanese man puzzled by food mysteriously disappearing from his refrigerator got a shock when he found out a woman had been living in his home for months without permission, police said yesterday.
The 57-year-old man living alone - or so he thought - in the western city of Fukuoka installed a security camera and called the police when he saw images of someone walking around his home while he was out. "We searched the house in the man's presence. We found the woman in the closet," said a local police spokesman.
The woman, named as 58-year-old Tatsuko Horikawa, was found in a storage space only just big enough for a person to squeeze into lying down.
Dolly tracks lead to stolen machine
Memo to crooks: If you’re going to steal a Pepsi machine, your front yard probably isn’t the best place to stow it, especially if dolly tracks lead right back to where the machine was in the first place.
On Thursday at around 2:50 a.m., St. Francis County deputies were on patrol in Hughes, when they spotted two men standing beside a Pepsi machine in a yard. As the deputies approached, the two men took off running.
The deputies followed them in the car for a while, and then one deputy left the car and ran one of the men down on foot.
At first, the man told the deputy that his name was Ollie Rodgers, but it was later found that the man’s name is Glenn Haskins, 37, of Hughes. The second suspect has not yet been caught.
The Pepsi machine was found to have been stolen from Poor Boy’s Liquor store. There was also some damage to the front of the machine.
Friday, May 30, 2008
2. My uncle got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients. It's a real shame 'cause he's a really good vet.
3. Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, so the Security guard asks her "what's your Mom like?" Little girl replies "Big Cocks and Vodka".
4. The boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office and the boss says "I have a problem Ann, I have to lay you or Jack off....". Ann says "You better jack off, co's I've got a headache".
5. A friend said sorry I am late, had to see a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his dick...... I said I reckon he won't be shagging one of those again then.
6. Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.
7. A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. The Doc say's "that looks nasty". She say's "Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!"
8. Two newlyweds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks "do you have reservations?" The bride answers "Yes, I won't take it up the ass."
9. Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey pokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started. How to do the Hokey Pokey
10. We told our Granny it's important to keep fit as you get older. So when she was 60 she started walking 5 kilometers a day. She's 97 now and we don't have a fu**ing clue where she is!
A woman told Cincinnati police that she heard a noise and then felt something cold on her feet. Police said a man crawled under a table at a University of Cincinnati library and used a syringe to spray saltwater onto the woman's shoes.
Dwight Pannell, 43, of Columbus, was booked on charges of voyeurism, assault and criminal trespass. The woman told officers that after she heard something coming from under her table and felt the sensation on her feet, she looked down and saw a man on his knees holding a syringe.
Police chief married to registered sex offender
Some town residents are upset that the husband of Interim Police Chief Anita Merritt is a registered sex offender, saying her relationship with a convicted felon is a conflict of interest.
Tyrone Merritt, 36, was convicted in Massachusetts in March 2001 of taking indecent liberties with a child in connection with a May 1999 incident. He was sentenced to probation.
The incident occurred before Anita Merritt married her husband and before she joined the Roseboro N.C. Police Department in September 2004.
"Anything that happened to him has no reflection on me or my character or on my job," said Anita Merritt, who was sworn in as police chief Thursday.
Woman pleads innocent to torturing rats
A woman has pleaded innocent in Islip, N. Y., to running over two rats with her car and smearing their guts on the porch of her ex-boyfriend's sister.Michelle Brown, 23, pleaded innocent in District Court to a misdemeanor charge of animal torture, New York's Newsday reported Thursday.
Prosecutors allege Brown purchased the rats at a Petland Discounts store and took them to the home of Sabrina Laroy, where she ran over the animals with her car and then smeared their innards on Laroy's porch. Laroy is the sister of Brown's ex-boyfriend, whose name wasn't released. Laroy's brother wasn't in the home at the time of the incident.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that isfavoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet . .. its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ...you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape .. you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers .. you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache .. you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Why do men die first ?
Because they want to.
Henry Raskin, 70, of Niles had been pulled over by a Buffalo Grove officer on the 400 block of Dundee Road around 11:30 a.m. Friday for driving 58 mph in a 35 mph zone, Sgt. Scott Kristiansen said.
The officer wrote the ticket and returned to the car, and Raskin got ready to drive away. Except he went flying backward.
"(He) apparently was going to pull away at a high rate of speed, but the only problem was that he was in reverse," Kristiansen said.
He said Raskin was not happy about getting a ticket. He said police are reviewing the squad car videotape to see what Raskin might also be charged with.
A roadside toilet stop ended in pain, embarrassment and almost death for a tourist in Australia when a highly venomous snake bit the end of his penis.
Nude maid accused of really cleaning up
A nude maid is accused of really cleaning up at a Florida man's home. The Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office said a 50-year-old man hired the maid from the Internet on Friday to clean his Tampa home.
Authorities said the woman arrived at the home in a one-piece, light colored dress. She took off the dress and cleaned the house for $100-per-hour. Sheriff's office spokeswoman Debbie Carter said the man told deputies he left the maid alone in the bedroom to clean.
When the man's wife came home from vacation, she discovered $40,000 in jewelry missing from their bedroom.
Police are investigating.
A 25-year-old man bit off more than he could chew when he allegedly stole a gold bracelet from an 8-year-old girl and then swallowed the evidence, police in northern Mexico said Tuesday.
Jose Rigoberto Cruz Salas was being administered laxatives to recover the evidence at a jail in a suburb of the northern city of Monterrey.
Police ordered an x-ray of his stomach, which revealed the stolen jewelry.
He faces robbery charges, punishable by a fine or a jail term of six months to 15 years - depending on the bracelet's value. Its worth could not be immediately determined.
School officials say they are appalled by altered photos — including heads on different bodies — in hundreds of McKinney High School yearbooks delivered this week.
The McKinney High School yearbook staff in Texas spent the school year working on its yearbook, only to receive dozens of complaints from students that their photos had been altered by Lifetouch National School Studios Inc., a photography company. Some heads were even on the wrong bodies.
Being a burglar is at best a risky job but two Melbourne men arrested last week were shocked to find police inside a house they had just broken into.
The detectives were in the middle of a drug raid and were just as surprised when they greeted the thieves, during the attempted midnight burglary at the house in Melton, 45km west of Melbourne.
Armed with search warrants, the officers had swooped on the property that was allegedly being used for illegally growing hydroponic cannabis, and arrested a man in his 20s living there.
After the burglars broke in through a window and saw the police, they ran off but were caught and arrested two days later.
Tollway aggressively chases accused scofflaws, regardless of cracks in enforcement system
Hunkered in her idling SUV outside the tollway's headquarters, Leslie Boudreau frantically sifts through papers that say she owes $4,619 for blowing $179.50 in tolls over the last year.
Pay up in two weeks, the papers say, or owe the tollway $15,739 and eventually lose your driver's license. Boudreau says she didn't know her I-PASS ran out of money last year because she thought her credit card automatically refilled it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection.
And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF, etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS!
I feel safer already...
Cnn Breaking News
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do.: !!
The robbery happened shortly after noon at the National City Bank, located at 1886 North High Street.
According to a release from the FBI, a man walked inside the bank and sat in a lobby chair until other customers left. He then walked up to a teller, produced a silver handgun and ordered the teller to give him money.
It was only after he demanded cash that the robber pulled a blue mask over his face in an attempt to conceal his identity.
The robber was described as a black man in his 20s or 30s, who was about 5 feet 7 inches tall.
He had a thin build, and was wearing dark blue Yankees cap and sunglasses during the robbery.
Authorities said a dye pack mixed in with the cash likely exploded inside his getaway vehicle.
Police are telling a Durango liquor store owner to give shoplifters the boot — literally.
Tired of losing what he says was about $1,000 worth of merchandise a month in thefts, Gabe Fidanque started telling shoplifters he caught that they had two choices: Give him one of their shoes or he'd call the police.
A handful gave up a shoe. But Durango police told Fidanque on Friday to stop the practice or risk facing charges of felony robbery.
Shoplifting, in contrast, is a misdemeanor.
Tobacco store in unfair squeeze
Rick Arora is caught in a situation you would only expect to find in a dark comedy about bureaucracy run amok. If he covers up the historic signs on Old Morris Tobacconists, the City of Victoria is threatening big fines.
If he doesn't, the Vancouver Island Health Authority plans to charge him under provincial laws banning tobacco ads and displays where people under 19 can see them.
Robbery suspect who pretended to be clerk arrested
A suspect in a bizarre robbery has been caught. Mesa police allege Marc Antoine Stovall called a 7-11 store April 27, falsely said he was a new employee, arranged for training and then went to the store and was shown how to use the cash register.
Later that day, police said the 21-year-old returned, purchased several items, including a roll of duct tape, but then had said he didn't want the tape.
An hour later, Stovall came back to buy beer. When the clerk commented about his first name after he provided her with photo ID, he allegedly pulled a gun, forced the woman into a bathroom and bound her with duct tape.
Stovall then went back out front, pretended to be the clerk and was helping customers when the real clerk broke free, emerged with a gun and Stovall fled with some money.
First time skydiver Natalie Gabriel, 27, was brought down from a 60ft tree after becoming wedged in its branches.
The Liverpool University student's dream jump fast became a nightmare when she mistook the direction of the gusting wind and became wedged between branches 60ft off the ground.
Police, fire crews and paramedics rushed to the scene as Natalie dangled dangerously in the upper branches.
She found herself sitting on the branches, but began slipping down the tree as they gave way.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake).
Throughout the world.
Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.
This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.
Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
Do not apply a tornique as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND:
This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND:
This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
Heartbroken Taiwan man climbs into morgue freezer
A Taiwan man grieving over the death of his girlfriend climbed inside a morgue freezer to be with her and was only pulled out alive half an hour later.
Japan man stalks toll-free line to hear woman's voice
A Japanese man was arrested for calling a food company's toll-free number 500 times in 16 months because he wanted to hear the woman's voice on the automated tape, police said on Monday.
The 38-year-old plumber, who was arrested on Sunday, made 3,100 hours worth of free calls to the company, costing it almost 4 million yen (19,500 pounds) in phone bills, a police spokesman in Takasaki, northwest of Tokyo, said.
"He gets excited by the woman's voice on the guidance tape," the spokesman said, adding that the voice sounded normal to the detective who was involved in the investigation.
The food company asked for its name to be withheld. The spokesman said police are investigating if the man placed an excessive number of calls to any other firms.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Iowa Homeland Security administrator Dave Miller said seven of the dead were killed by a tornado in northeast Iowa — five from Parkersburg, 20 miles northwest of Waterloo, and two from nearby New Hartford. At least 50 injuries were reported.
"Occasionally we have a death but we have warning system. Seven deaths. It's been a long time since we've had those kinds of injuries and deaths reported," Miller said.
Witnesses reported parts of Parkersburg were reduced to rubble, including the town's high school and most of the homes.
A tornado also struck just to the east in the nearby town of Dunkerton and elsewhere in Black Hawk County, where there were reports of homes damaged or destroyed. Dunkerton has fewer than 800 residents and New Hartford has about 700 people.
I posted this because it happen less then 20 miles from my home and the weatherman says it probably a F4 or F5 the strongest there is.
There have been 43 reports of tornadoes mostly in Iowa on Sunday..That was a destructive one..It's great that you were safe out there..though sad thing was there were casualties..My hopes and prayers for the fast and healthy recovery of the victims out there..
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