Sunday, May 11, 2008

Back to School


He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.
"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I’m so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called".

The Idiot Test

Get a pencil and write down your answers.

Scoring guide:
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar’s sister, but the beggar is not the woman’s brother. How come?
5. Why can’t a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has
17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President’s name in 1950?
Answers: (Click and drag your mouse between the lines below to see the answers)
1. Yes.
2. One.
3. All of them (12).
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can’t be buried if he isn’t dead.
6. 6
7. No — because he is dead.
8. They aren’t playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (One is a nickel, the *other* one isn’t.)
13. The match.
14. Half-way, then he’s running out of the woods.
15. 1 hour.
16. 9
17. None — Noah took them on the ark, not Moses.
18. Meat.
19. 12
20. The same as it is now.

How’d you do?

It is wrong on so many levels.

Ultimate Chick Repeller?

What Part Of This You Don't Understand

Yorkshire terrier came back from dog groomer bald.

Sad Yorkshire terrier Jasper went to have his long locks trimmed by a dog groomer — and came back virtually bald. Owner Neil Hellier had asked the trimmer to take an inch off Jasper’s coat. Now the expat, who lives in Portugal, has to put sun block on the five-year-old pooch to stop him getting burnt in the fierce Algarve heat.
Neil said: "When I went to pick him up this completely bald dog came trotting out of the pet salon and I thought it belonged to someone else. It was only when I called Jasper’s name and he responded that I realized it was him. He certainly seemed upset by what had happened. He hid in my daughter’s wardrobe for days and refused to come out." Neil, 37, who lives in Lagoa with Chloe, 33, and daughters Megan, 13, and nine-year-old Ellie, added: "I should have realised something was up when the Portuguese owner admitted he didn’t know what a Yorkie was. "I think he mistook Jasper for a Chihuahua as you see lots of them in Portugal — and they don’t have long coats."

Anonymous said...
These are not the same dog

Yeah one is bald and the other one isn't

Anonymous said...
oh, the poor pup! :(

If it happened to me I'd be really mad at the dog groomer.

Nevada Judge Accused of Demanding Royal Treatment

Nevada judge faces week of hearings that could end her career.

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AP) -- Elizabeth Halverson is a judge. But the way courthouse staffers see it, she expects to be treated like a queen.
Her former bailiff, for example, says Halverson made him feel like a "houseboy." He says the judge -- who is obese and uses a motorized scooter to get around -- made him put her shoes on her feet, massage her back, cover her with a blanket for naps and make sure her oxygen tank was filled.
He says she asked him, "Do you want to worship me from near or afar?"
Halverson also surrounded herself with her own hired guards, saying she did not trust the courthouse security force to protect her. Another time, she allegedly had her husband sworn in so that she could ask him under oath whether he had completed chores at home.
Since then, the 50-year-old Nevada district judge has been locked out of her Las Vegas courtroom, suspended from the bench and brought up on judicial-misconduct charges that include not only misusing her position and treating her staff like personal valets but also tainting juries and falling asleep on the bench.

Need $17K? NASA Wants You!

NASA is looking to pay someone $17K to spend 90 days in bed doing nothing. If you are feeling this is your chance to blow off work for 90 days, do absolutely nothing and still get paid for it. Then go for it.
After the first 11-15-day period, participants will spend 90 days lying in bed, (except for limited times for specific tests) with their body slightly tilted downward (head down, feet up). Every day, they will be awake for 16 hours and lights out (asleep) for 8 hours.
So really if you have some reading to catch up on or a big ass crochet project you just haven’t been able to find the time for then this might be right up your alley. Apparently there is some actual science behind this study. Our bodies have evolved special mechanisms to deal with the gravitational forces that act on us while we are here on Earth. Astronauts that spend extended periods of time in space under much lower gravitational forces experience problems with muscle atrophy and loss of bone density. NASA scientists use the head down ass feet up bed test to simulate these conditions.
So if you are tired of your job or just finished college and are trying to avoid the real world fill out the application and see if you can spend your summer in bed.

Small Bits of News

Suspect surrenders after cop yells 'Taser, Taser, Taser'
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) - Just the threat of a jolt stopped a man in his tracks. A Salt Lake City police officer couldn't catch up to a 32-year-old man until he yelled, "Taser, Taser, Taser."
Police said the suspect suddenly threw himself on the ground and surrendered Wednesday.
The pursuit began when curious detectives watching a house noticed the man coming from another house. His parole officer was working on an arrest warrant at the time.
Tasers use compressed nitrogen to fire two barbed darts that immobilize people with a 50,000-volt shock.
Grave diggers use skull as bong
A group of teenagers have dug up a secluded grave, removed the skull of a boy from the coffin and converted it into a marijuana bong.
Police found out about the grave theft whilst interviewing Kevin Wade Jones, 17, about the use of a stolen debit card and he told them all about it.
Police in Houston believe the grave is that of an 11-year-old boy who died in 1921.
Kevin Wade Jones, 17, and Matthew Richard Gonzalez, 17, both of Kingwood, were arrested Wednesday night and were being held on misdemeanor charges of abuse of a corpse. A 16-year-old was referred to the Harris County juvenile justice system.
The grave theft purportedly occurred around March 15, according to court documents
Police were led to a heavily wooded site in the city of Humble where they found a knocked-over headstone and water-filled hole more than 1.2 meters deep.
Police Sgt. John Chomiak said: "They dug into this gravesite and that was enough to warrant the abuse of corpse charge."
3-year-old boy has never fallen asleep
A 3-year-old Florida boy with a rare condition has not slept in three years.Doctors said Rhett Lamb of St. Petersburg apparently has a condition called chiari malformation that puts pressure on his brain. Rhett has never taken a nap or gone to sleep at night, forcing his parents to keep watch day and night."(My husband) has the day shift and I kind of have the afternoon shift," mother Shannon Lamb said. "We share the night shift because no one can sleep in the house when he is up anyway."
Lamb said she is working extra to pay for Rhett's large medical bills. She also said her husband, David, has given up his job to care for their child. "I would give anything for Rhett to be this normal little boy who plays and has a good time," Lamb said. "If it takes going to every single solitary doctor, I will do it." According to the May Clinic, chiari malformation is a rare abnormality where brain tissue protrudes in the spinal canal. Part of the skull is abnormally small and puts pressure on the brain.
w/ photo + video
Skimpy prom dress lands teen in cuffs
HOUSTON -- Marche Taylor’s prom night experience wasn’t what you would call the norm.
That’s because instead of a night of dancing and hanging out with friends, the Madison High School senior ended in a confrontation with school officials and her being escorted out in handcuffs. All because school officials said her dress was inappropriate for the school prom.
"I actually like the dress. Everybody else likes my dress," Taylor said of her custom-made dress as she showed it off Friday afternoon.
With News Video