YOUR COW
One day, a country boy, who liked the neighbor girl found himself lucky enough to be sitting with her on the top rail of the cattle pen.
As they watched a bull servicing a cow, he turned to her, with what he hoped was a suggestive look, and said, "That looks like it would be fun."
She looked over at him, and replied, rather dubiously, "Well… she’s your cow."
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WHICH GENDER
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were waiting to see their obstetrician. Trying to make conversation, the brunette said, "I'm going to have a boy. I'm sure of it because I was on top." The redhead said, "I know I'm going to have a girl. I'm sure because I was on the bottom." The blonde suddenly burst into tears. The other women tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. "I think I'm going to have puppies," she sobbed.
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UGLY WOMAN
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he’s 9 and she’s 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can’t believe you got laid twice"!
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Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monkey Sibling Rivalry
The mom freaked out!
She runs up pretty fast, better reaction than most parents!
She runs up pretty fast, better reaction than most parents!
Toilet News
Gold-toilet tycoon goes to meet his maker
Hong Kong - A jeweler tycoon famed for creating the world's most expensive toilet died suddenly at his Hong Kong home, a newspaper said on Saturday. Lam Sai-wing, 53, the creator of a HK$38-million gold toilet listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, was found dead on Friday in his luxury apartment on Hong Kong's Bowen Road. Thousands of people visit his company's showroom in Hong Kong every week to see the solid-gold toilet, which sits in a garish bathroom with gold fittings, including a gold toilet brush holder. The self-made millionaire who moved to Hong Kong from China at 22 was inspired to build the toilet by his boyhood hero, the Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin, who said gold should be used to make toilets after the victory of socialism to remind people of capitalist waste.
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Police are hunting for a thief who has been stealing toilet parts.
Investigators in Sacramento say the suspect has been taking plumbing and flushing mechanisms from two urinals in California.
And other such incidents have been reported in surrounding states.
The man is thought to dress up as a plumber to pose as a legitimate tradesman in order to carry out his robberies.
It is thought that he is taking the pieces for their value as salvage.
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University opens trans-gender toilets
The next time you need to take a leak, figure out if you should go to the toilet or toilets with urinals.
A bid to make trans-gender students feel more comfortable has resulted in new gender-friendly toilets at Manchester University.
The longstanding stickman representing the Gents toilet has been replaced with the words 'toilets with urinals'.
And the lady that invites you to the female toilets has been swapped with words which simply say 'toilets'.
But one student at the university said: "This is ridiculous, I can not believe they are changing the signs - everybody knows the traditional male and female toilet signs, it could lead to some confusion."
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School's stance on toilets
Students was caught short at a secondary school when they were left high and dry without any toilet paper after staff decided to remove the paper from its toilets.
An angry parent contacted the Citizen to report the tissue paper issue after his 14-year-old son was left in pain when he could not go to the toilet because of the lack of toilet paper.
"My son came dashing out of school this afternoon (Wednesday) and said he needed to go to the restroom. I asked what the problem was and he explained he needed to go because he hadn’t been able to go in school because none of the toilets had any paper in them,"
He contacted the school and was told there had been problems with pupils blocking the toilets by flushing whole rolls of toilet paper down them, which had led to flooding.
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Hong Kong - A jeweler tycoon famed for creating the world's most expensive toilet died suddenly at his Hong Kong home, a newspaper said on Saturday. Lam Sai-wing, 53, the creator of a HK$38-million gold toilet listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, was found dead on Friday in his luxury apartment on Hong Kong's Bowen Road. Thousands of people visit his company's showroom in Hong Kong every week to see the solid-gold toilet, which sits in a garish bathroom with gold fittings, including a gold toilet brush holder. The self-made millionaire who moved to Hong Kong from China at 22 was inspired to build the toilet by his boyhood hero, the Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin, who said gold should be used to make toilets after the victory of socialism to remind people of capitalist waste.
.
Police are hunting for a thief who has been stealing toilet parts.
Investigators in Sacramento say the suspect has been taking plumbing and flushing mechanisms from two urinals in California.
And other such incidents have been reported in surrounding states.
The man is thought to dress up as a plumber to pose as a legitimate tradesman in order to carry out his robberies.
It is thought that he is taking the pieces for their value as salvage.
.
University opens trans-gender toilets
The next time you need to take a leak, figure out if you should go to the toilet or toilets with urinals.
A bid to make trans-gender students feel more comfortable has resulted in new gender-friendly toilets at Manchester University.
The longstanding stickman representing the Gents toilet has been replaced with the words 'toilets with urinals'.
And the lady that invites you to the female toilets has been swapped with words which simply say 'toilets'.
But one student at the university said: "This is ridiculous, I can not believe they are changing the signs - everybody knows the traditional male and female toilet signs, it could lead to some confusion."
.
School's stance on toilets
Students was caught short at a secondary school when they were left high and dry without any toilet paper after staff decided to remove the paper from its toilets.
An angry parent contacted the Citizen to report the tissue paper issue after his 14-year-old son was left in pain when he could not go to the toilet because of the lack of toilet paper.
"My son came dashing out of school this afternoon (Wednesday) and said he needed to go to the restroom. I asked what the problem was and he explained he needed to go because he hadn’t been able to go in school because none of the toilets had any paper in them,"
He contacted the school and was told there had been problems with pupils blocking the toilets by flushing whole rolls of toilet paper down them, which had led to flooding.
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Is Germaphobia Out of Control
Have we gone too far when we feel the need to have our doorknobs automatically sanitized every 15 minutes to feel clean.
The HYSO Doorknob Germ Killer sprays a mist of hospital-grade disinfectant on a handle or doorknob every 15 minutes. .
Here is someone else's way to avoid germs
Small Bits of News You Didn’t Know you Needed
Nice Try
A robber who broke into a house came up with a great excuse when she was nabbed by the homeowners - she was sleepwalking, not breaking in.
The 42-year-old was discovered at the house in Adelaide, Australia, by the homeowners when she crept in and turned on the lights
But when police arrived at the scene she insisted she was asleep and didn't know what she was doing.
Police have, however, rejected her claims and she will be charged for breaking and entering.
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Robbers' getaway car was too small
Guide to Bank Robbery - Rule #1: Make sure your getaway car is big enough to carry away your stolen goods.
Two dumb criminals had to leave half their loot behind because their car was too small.
The pair of armed raiders could have escaped with almost £1million after hijacking a security van full of cash - but were forced to leave most behind.
The van was later recovered with half of the money still left inside.
The five security men who were guarding the van are now being questioned by police who believe it to be an inside job.
"The bags are quite big. I consider them quite stupid. Their planning was very shortsighted," Police Chief Shakaruddin Che Mood said.
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Man cuts his arm off with a chainsaw
A gardener who chopped off his arm in a freak chainsaw accident calmly knocked on his neighbor front door and told him: 'Please help, I've cut my arm off.'
John Stirling, 59, was trimming a tree in his garden when he slipped and sliced off the limb.
Shocked neighbor, Steve Francis, then tried to save the arm and hand by sticking them in a bag of frozen sausage rolls.
Mr Francis said: 'He wasn't screaming, he was as relaxed as can be.
I didn't realize anything was wrong until I looked down and saw his arm was missing.
'I ran inside to call the ambulance and he sat outside on a stool. 'I came out and tied his arm up with a belt and towels, the ambulance people talked me through it. 'But through it all he sat there talking away like it was normal. When the ambulance came they put him on a stretcher and asked where the arm was.
'The paramedics were working on him so I went up the road and put it in a plastic shopping bag.
Pictures and More
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Don’t Call Me Ugly
Teenager stabbed best friend to death in Russia with a pair of TWEEZERS in a row over looks
A teenage girl has killed her best friend by stabbing her over 100 times with a pair of tweezers in a row over looks.
Pretty Kristina Danilova, 18, murdered childhood pal Olga Samoilenko in a fit of rage after being told her she was ugly and would never get a boyfriend.
She pulled her eyebrow tweezers out of her make up bag and attacked her friend, who bled to death.
Danilova told detectives: 'Olga remarked that I was ugly and would never ever find a boyfriend.
'How could I stay calm on hearing something like that from someone who I had always considered my best friend?'
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Hit Man Always Gets His Victim
Sniper Kills French Murder Suspect From Outside Jail
Like a scene from a crime thriller film, a prisoner who faced interrogation over a murder was shot to death inside his French jail by a sniper positioned on a nearby hill.
The suspected gunman, his rifle still warm from the shooting, was later arrested as he tried to flee the scene on a motorbike.
It was the first time in France that someone in prison had been killed from outside, French Justice Minister Rachida Dati said.
The murdered prisoner was identified by a French newspaper as Sghair Lamiri, who was born in 1979 and had links to organized crime.
Lamiri was serving an eight-year sentence for robberies committed in 2001 and 2002 and was about to be questioned about a murder case, Dati said.
Ms Dati did not name the suspected gunman, but said he was 58 years old and was in custody.
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It’s snowing on Mars
The NASA Phoenix Mars Lander has identified snow falling from Martian clouds. A Phoenix scientist says, "Nothing like this view has ever been seen on Mars."
NASA Mars Lander sees falling snow, soil data suggests liquid past," that Phoenix has detected snow falling from about 2.5 miles (4.2 kilometers) above the landing site of the spacecraft.
The snow is falling from Martian clouds within its atmosphere The NASA website of the Phoenix Mars Lander mission contains more information. However, Phoenix has shown that the snow is vaporizing before it reaches the ground.
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'666' road sign thefts
Is the Garden State Parkway the highway to hell? Or is the New Jersey Turnpike the road to damnation? Someone keeps stealing the metal signs at mile marker 66.6 along the heavily traveled toll roads, and the New Jersey Turnpike Authority is having a devil of a time keeping up with the thefts.
It's been happening all over the country, particularly on roads with names like Route 666. Officials aren't sure if the thefts are being committed by religious zealots upset about the number's association in the Bible with the devil, by Satanic scavenger hunters, or by college students who think a '666' sign would look cool in their dorm room.
It costs as much as $50 to replace the signs, which doesn't sound like much, until you keep repeating it over, and over again.
A few years ago, highway officials in Morris County couldn't keep signs for Route 666 on the poles; as quickly as crews put them up, someone would steal them, often within a day or two.
"You almost want to put a camera out there, just to see who has this much free time," Orlando said.
.
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Man hangs 'thief' sign on employee and hauls him to police station
A boss who suspected a worker of theft decided to make an example of him.
The 'thief' forced by his boss on a walk of shame through town (but guess who ended up arrested)
A boss who suspected a worker of theft decided to make an example of him - and throw political correctness out of the window at the same time.
Simon Cremer and three of his employees allegedly wrestled Mark Gilbert to the ground, tied his hands behind his back and bundled him into a van.
They then drove him to the town center where he was made to wear a sign naming him as a thief. He was paraded in front of startled shoppers before being taking 350 yards to the police station, where he was arrested on suspicion of theft.
Some might approve of the medieval approach to justice, which is reminiscent of the days when suspects were named and shamed by being sent to the village stocks or tarred and feathered.
But the stunt backfired on the accusers after they were arrested on a range of charges, including false imprisonment.
Picture and More
.
A robber who broke into a house came up with a great excuse when she was nabbed by the homeowners - she was sleepwalking, not breaking in.
The 42-year-old was discovered at the house in Adelaide, Australia, by the homeowners when she crept in and turned on the lights
But when police arrived at the scene she insisted she was asleep and didn't know what she was doing.
Police have, however, rejected her claims and she will be charged for breaking and entering.
.
Robbers' getaway car was too small
Guide to Bank Robbery - Rule #1: Make sure your getaway car is big enough to carry away your stolen goods.
Two dumb criminals had to leave half their loot behind because their car was too small.
The pair of armed raiders could have escaped with almost £1million after hijacking a security van full of cash - but were forced to leave most behind.
The van was later recovered with half of the money still left inside.
The five security men who were guarding the van are now being questioned by police who believe it to be an inside job.
"The bags are quite big. I consider them quite stupid. Their planning was very shortsighted," Police Chief Shakaruddin Che Mood said.
.
Man cuts his arm off with a chainsaw
A gardener who chopped off his arm in a freak chainsaw accident calmly knocked on his neighbor front door and told him: 'Please help, I've cut my arm off.'
John Stirling, 59, was trimming a tree in his garden when he slipped and sliced off the limb.
Shocked neighbor, Steve Francis, then tried to save the arm and hand by sticking them in a bag of frozen sausage rolls.
Mr Francis said: 'He wasn't screaming, he was as relaxed as can be.
I didn't realize anything was wrong until I looked down and saw his arm was missing.
'I ran inside to call the ambulance and he sat outside on a stool. 'I came out and tied his arm up with a belt and towels, the ambulance people talked me through it. 'But through it all he sat there talking away like it was normal. When the ambulance came they put him on a stretcher and asked where the arm was.
'The paramedics were working on him so I went up the road and put it in a plastic shopping bag.
Pictures and More
.
Don’t Call Me Ugly
Teenager stabbed best friend to death in Russia with a pair of TWEEZERS in a row over looks
A teenage girl has killed her best friend by stabbing her over 100 times with a pair of tweezers in a row over looks.
Pretty Kristina Danilova, 18, murdered childhood pal Olga Samoilenko in a fit of rage after being told her she was ugly and would never get a boyfriend.
She pulled her eyebrow tweezers out of her make up bag and attacked her friend, who bled to death.
Danilova told detectives: 'Olga remarked that I was ugly and would never ever find a boyfriend.
'How could I stay calm on hearing something like that from someone who I had always considered my best friend?'
.
Hit Man Always Gets His Victim
Sniper Kills French Murder Suspect From Outside Jail
Like a scene from a crime thriller film, a prisoner who faced interrogation over a murder was shot to death inside his French jail by a sniper positioned on a nearby hill.
The suspected gunman, his rifle still warm from the shooting, was later arrested as he tried to flee the scene on a motorbike.
It was the first time in France that someone in prison had been killed from outside, French Justice Minister Rachida Dati said.
The murdered prisoner was identified by a French newspaper as Sghair Lamiri, who was born in 1979 and had links to organized crime.
Lamiri was serving an eight-year sentence for robberies committed in 2001 and 2002 and was about to be questioned about a murder case, Dati said.
Ms Dati did not name the suspected gunman, but said he was 58 years old and was in custody.
.
It’s snowing on Mars
The NASA Phoenix Mars Lander has identified snow falling from Martian clouds. A Phoenix scientist says, "Nothing like this view has ever been seen on Mars."
NASA Mars Lander sees falling snow, soil data suggests liquid past," that Phoenix has detected snow falling from about 2.5 miles (4.2 kilometers) above the landing site of the spacecraft.
The snow is falling from Martian clouds within its atmosphere The NASA website of the Phoenix Mars Lander mission contains more information. However, Phoenix has shown that the snow is vaporizing before it reaches the ground.
.
'666' road sign thefts
Is the Garden State Parkway the highway to hell? Or is the New Jersey Turnpike the road to damnation? Someone keeps stealing the metal signs at mile marker 66.6 along the heavily traveled toll roads, and the New Jersey Turnpike Authority is having a devil of a time keeping up with the thefts.
It's been happening all over the country, particularly on roads with names like Route 666. Officials aren't sure if the thefts are being committed by religious zealots upset about the number's association in the Bible with the devil, by Satanic scavenger hunters, or by college students who think a '666' sign would look cool in their dorm room.
It costs as much as $50 to replace the signs, which doesn't sound like much, until you keep repeating it over, and over again.
A few years ago, highway officials in Morris County couldn't keep signs for Route 666 on the poles; as quickly as crews put them up, someone would steal them, often within a day or two.
"You almost want to put a camera out there, just to see who has this much free time," Orlando said.
.
Maybe they should change the number to 996. See if those crazies still want the sign.
.
616 "six hundred and sixteen" is believed by some Christians to have been the original Number of the Beast in the Book of Revelation in the Christian Bible. Different early versions of the Book of Revelation gave different numbers, and 666 had been widely accepted as the original number.
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Man hangs 'thief' sign on employee and hauls him to police station
A boss who suspected a worker of theft decided to make an example of him.
The 'thief' forced by his boss on a walk of shame through town (but guess who ended up arrested)
A boss who suspected a worker of theft decided to make an example of him - and throw political correctness out of the window at the same time.
Simon Cremer and three of his employees allegedly wrestled Mark Gilbert to the ground, tied his hands behind his back and bundled him into a van.
They then drove him to the town center where he was made to wear a sign naming him as a thief. He was paraded in front of startled shoppers before being taking 350 yards to the police station, where he was arrested on suspicion of theft.
Some might approve of the medieval approach to justice, which is reminiscent of the days when suspects were named and shamed by being sent to the village stocks or tarred and feathered.
But the stunt backfired on the accusers after they were arrested on a range of charges, including false imprisonment.
Picture and More
.
Small Bits of News You Didn’t Know you Needed
$1.2 Trillion
Lost In Stock Market In One Day!
.CEOs at the Heart of the Crisis
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Richard Fuld -- Lehman Brothers Holdings, Inc.
Fuld, CEO of Lehman Brothers, has the distinction of being the executive behind the largest bankruptcy filing -- estimated at $613 billion -- in U.S. history.
Angelo Mozilo -- Countrywide Financial Corp.
Mozilo's tenure at Countrywide was marked by his "Friends of Angelo" VIP program that gave below-market rates to the CEO's best friends and several members of Congress.
Kerry Killinger -- Washington Mutual Inc.
Killinger led Washington Mutual through sensational growth and into a slew of risky product offerings. The bank finally collapsed and sold its assets to J.P. Morgan Chase.
James Cayne -- Bear Stearns
After 16 years as CEO at Bear Stearns, Cayne handed the reins to Alan D. Schwartz -- then watched the firm collapse.
Daniel Mudd -- Fannie Mae
Mudd was ousted from his post as Fannie Mae's CEO in September when the government placed the company into a conservatorship. He will not receive a severance package.
Richard Syron -- Freddie Mac
Syron was relieved of his duties as Freddie Mac CEO as part of the government's takeover of the troubled company in September.
Martin J. Sullivan -- American International Group, Inc. (AIG)
Sullivan held the CEO post at AIG from 2005 through early 2008. The insurance company was propped up by an $85 billion loan from the U.S. government earlier this month.
Stanley O'Neal -- Merrill Lynch & Co.
O'Neal retired from his post as Merrill Lynch CEO in October 2007 after huge subprime-related losses and writedowns. His successor, John Thain, orchestrated the firm's sale to Bank of America on the same day Lehman Brothers went under.
Charles Prince -- Citigroup, Inc.
Prince stepped down from the CEO position at Citigroup in late 2007 after the company suffered billions in subprime writedowns.
Ken Thompson -- Wachovia Corp.
Wachovia's board forced then-CEO Ken Thompson from his post in June as the bank struggled through subprime-related losses.
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That’s Why He Is The Boss
One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, "I’ll tell you its very simple – it’s the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me."
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