If his prayers don't get answered no one's willWednesday, March 26, 2008
Five Levels of Hangovers
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke–yet you haven’t peed once.
.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Rum vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ‘Floater’ thrown in. The sole purpose of this ‘Floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now…
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke–yet you haven’t peed once.
.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Rum vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ‘Floater’ thrown in. The sole purpose of this ‘Floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now…
WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
.
HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!! YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG F*CKING HOUSE
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
.
HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!! YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG F*CKING HOUSE
How to use your upcoming tax rebate…
As you may have heard, the present Republican Administration said that each and every one of us would now get a nice tax rebate. Of course, that is a traditional Republican way of buying votes.
So, what should we spend it on?
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs,
If we purchase a computer it will all go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,
If we purchase a car it will all go to Japan or Europe.
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America!! So, the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy hookers and beer and visit Indian casinos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
So, what should we spend it on?
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs,
If we purchase a computer it will all go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,
If we purchase a car it will all go to Japan or Europe.
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America!! So, the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy hookers and beer and visit Indian casinos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Small Bits of News
Chicago's Dumbest Thief
CHICAGO - Chicago Police say no one could make this story up...
An 18-year-old man entered a muffler shop in the 2600 block of North Laramie Avenue yesterday and declared a robbery. He allegedly waved a gun around and demanded money, according to police.
When he was told the money was in a safe and that the manager who knew how to open it was not there, the suspect had a brilliant idea; at least he thought it was brilliant.
He gave the shop employees his cell phone number and asked them to call him when the manager arrived so he could open the safe for him.
The man left and the employees opted to call 911. Authorities stationed plain clothes officers in the shop and called the would-be robber back. The suspect showed up again, and waved his gun around again, but this time was shot in the leg by an officer. The man had surgery at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center and is said to have suffered non-life-threatening injuries.
One officer with 20 years on the force said this is one of the more “unusual” cases he’s seen.
.
Bandit pre-ordered loot on phone
WINDSOR, Ontario, March 25 (UPI) -- Police in Windsor, Ontario, said they are holding a burglary suspect they allege phoned ahead to a convenience store to demand the loot be bagged and waiting.
Staff Sgt. Al Brown said around 2 a.m. Monday, a clerk at a convenience store received a phone call from a man asking how much cash was in the register, the Windsor Star reported. "Somebody called up and said put some money in a bag, sit it next to the store and don't call the police," Brown said.
The clerk mostly followed instructions and an unmasked man appeared soon after. Once he took the bag from the sidewalk, he was arrested by officers watching from a distance, Brown said. He said there have been two similar robberies recently in which the loot was demanded by phone, and the 40-year-old in custody is suspected in those as well, but not charged as yet.
.
Holdup suspect nabbed after ending up at same bar as his pursuers
Stop us if you've heard this one. A man walks into a bar. He runs into the young couple who chased him after a gift shop robbery earlier in the night. The man walks out in handcuffs. Police say that was the scenario in the Torch Club on Friday night, following a stickup at Joann's Elegant Gifts near 10th and L streets.
.
Man Nabbed for Pot-Smelling Cash Deposit
STURGEON BAY, Wis. (AP) - The musty smell of a man's money led to his arrest on possible drug charges. The 21-year-old Sturgeon Bay man tried to deposit money smelling of marijuana at a bank. The $4,000 in bundled bills did not smell like burned marijuana but had a musty odor of ground sweet leaves, the report said. The smell was so strong and distinct that a teller put the cash in a plastic bag. Sturgeon Bay police tested it for marijuana, and it came back positive, the report said. The man was arrested when he returned to the bank to make a withdrawal. Police later found bagged marijuana at the man's home.
.
Naked Bottom Woman Gets Out of Car
YONKERS, N.Y. (AP) - Suburban New York police say a drunken driver had a suspended license and had marijuana in her car. Oh, they also say she didn't have any pants on.
Yonkers police say 22-year-old Long Island resident Angelica Buchanan was found Saturday standing bottomless in a street near her car. They say she was so drunk she had to be hospitalized.
Police say she claimed she wasn't wearing pants because she needed to use the bathroom. They've charged her with driving while intoxicated, unlicensed operation of a vehicle and marijuana possession.
.
Man went "POSTAL."
Man drives car into post office, gets another car, does it again
A Jackson County man remains in jail after he drove two cars into the post office in Ravenden Springs. Randolph County Sheriff Gary Tribble said Glenn Irvin Sparling, 65, drove one vehicle into the post office on Sunday and fled the scene. The car stopped running, the sheriff said, and Sparling went home and got another vehicle a red antique sports car, and headed back to the post office. A deputy spotted Sparling and gave chase, Tribble said. The pursuit ended when Sparling ran the sports car into the post office. Sparling wasn't hurt, the sheriff said, but there is an 8-foot by 8-foot hole in the post office.
.
Woman pulls gun on deliverymen for not taking shoes off
Two furniture deliverymen fled a home after a customer produced a gun because they wouldn't take their shoes off. Two employees of Howell's Furniture Gallery were making a delivery to a house.
The homeowner, who was not identified, asked the deliverymen to take off their shoes. They replied removing their shoes was against company policy and pointed out they were wearing protective covers so as not to damage her carpet, the report stated.
An argument ensued, which expanded to cover other problems the woman had with the store, and the woman got a handgun. The delivery men told police she never pointed the gun at them, but they left anyway and called police.
.
Man Shooting Hole Through Wall Kills Wife
Man fatally shoots wife while installing satellite TV system
Officials are trying to decide whether to file charges against a Missouri man who fatally shot his wife while trying to install a satellite TV system in the bedroom of their home.
Patsy Long, 34, of Deepwater, died after being shot in the chest with a .22-caliber handgun on Saturday. Her husband, Ronald Long, fired the shot from the inside of their home after several unsuccessful efforts to punch a hole through the exterior wall using other means.
Henry County sheriff's deputies said the woman was hit by the second of two shots fired by her husband.
CHICAGO - Chicago Police say no one could make this story up...
An 18-year-old man entered a muffler shop in the 2600 block of North Laramie Avenue yesterday and declared a robbery. He allegedly waved a gun around and demanded money, according to police.
When he was told the money was in a safe and that the manager who knew how to open it was not there, the suspect had a brilliant idea; at least he thought it was brilliant.
He gave the shop employees his cell phone number and asked them to call him when the manager arrived so he could open the safe for him.
The man left and the employees opted to call 911. Authorities stationed plain clothes officers in the shop and called the would-be robber back. The suspect showed up again, and waved his gun around again, but this time was shot in the leg by an officer. The man had surgery at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center and is said to have suffered non-life-threatening injuries.
One officer with 20 years on the force said this is one of the more “unusual” cases he’s seen.
.
Bandit pre-ordered loot on phone
WINDSOR, Ontario, March 25 (UPI) -- Police in Windsor, Ontario, said they are holding a burglary suspect they allege phoned ahead to a convenience store to demand the loot be bagged and waiting.
Staff Sgt. Al Brown said around 2 a.m. Monday, a clerk at a convenience store received a phone call from a man asking how much cash was in the register, the Windsor Star reported. "Somebody called up and said put some money in a bag, sit it next to the store and don't call the police," Brown said.
The clerk mostly followed instructions and an unmasked man appeared soon after. Once he took the bag from the sidewalk, he was arrested by officers watching from a distance, Brown said. He said there have been two similar robberies recently in which the loot was demanded by phone, and the 40-year-old in custody is suspected in those as well, but not charged as yet.
.
Holdup suspect nabbed after ending up at same bar as his pursuers
Stop us if you've heard this one. A man walks into a bar. He runs into the young couple who chased him after a gift shop robbery earlier in the night. The man walks out in handcuffs. Police say that was the scenario in the Torch Club on Friday night, following a stickup at Joann's Elegant Gifts near 10th and L streets.
.
Man Nabbed for Pot-Smelling Cash Deposit
STURGEON BAY, Wis. (AP) - The musty smell of a man's money led to his arrest on possible drug charges. The 21-year-old Sturgeon Bay man tried to deposit money smelling of marijuana at a bank. The $4,000 in bundled bills did not smell like burned marijuana but had a musty odor of ground sweet leaves, the report said. The smell was so strong and distinct that a teller put the cash in a plastic bag. Sturgeon Bay police tested it for marijuana, and it came back positive, the report said. The man was arrested when he returned to the bank to make a withdrawal. Police later found bagged marijuana at the man's home.
.
Naked Bottom Woman Gets Out of Car
YONKERS, N.Y. (AP) - Suburban New York police say a drunken driver had a suspended license and had marijuana in her car. Oh, they also say she didn't have any pants on.
Yonkers police say 22-year-old Long Island resident Angelica Buchanan was found Saturday standing bottomless in a street near her car. They say she was so drunk she had to be hospitalized.
Police say she claimed she wasn't wearing pants because she needed to use the bathroom. They've charged her with driving while intoxicated, unlicensed operation of a vehicle and marijuana possession.
.
Man went "POSTAL."
Man drives car into post office, gets another car, does it again
A Jackson County man remains in jail after he drove two cars into the post office in Ravenden Springs. Randolph County Sheriff Gary Tribble said Glenn Irvin Sparling, 65, drove one vehicle into the post office on Sunday and fled the scene. The car stopped running, the sheriff said, and Sparling went home and got another vehicle a red antique sports car, and headed back to the post office. A deputy spotted Sparling and gave chase, Tribble said. The pursuit ended when Sparling ran the sports car into the post office. Sparling wasn't hurt, the sheriff said, but there is an 8-foot by 8-foot hole in the post office.
.
Woman pulls gun on deliverymen for not taking shoes off
Two furniture deliverymen fled a home after a customer produced a gun because they wouldn't take their shoes off. Two employees of Howell's Furniture Gallery were making a delivery to a house.
The homeowner, who was not identified, asked the deliverymen to take off their shoes. They replied removing their shoes was against company policy and pointed out they were wearing protective covers so as not to damage her carpet, the report stated.
An argument ensued, which expanded to cover other problems the woman had with the store, and the woman got a handgun. The delivery men told police she never pointed the gun at them, but they left anyway and called police.
.
Man Shooting Hole Through Wall Kills Wife
Man fatally shoots wife while installing satellite TV system
Officials are trying to decide whether to file charges against a Missouri man who fatally shot his wife while trying to install a satellite TV system in the bedroom of their home.
Patsy Long, 34, of Deepwater, died after being shot in the chest with a .22-caliber handgun on Saturday. Her husband, Ronald Long, fired the shot from the inside of their home after several unsuccessful efforts to punch a hole through the exterior wall using other means.
Henry County sheriff's deputies said the woman was hit by the second of two shots fired by her husband.
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