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You can buy a Pooter
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Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Visiting the Doctor
As men age, we end up seeing more and more of the Medical establishment, which nowadays, has more and more women in it.
For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
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For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
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I wonder if he went to see her to get Viagra?
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Sunday, January 25, 2009
Some Jokes
PREGNANCY TEST
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.
"Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!" he replied.
"I’m pregnant!" she said.
He kissed her and told her, "That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh honey, there’s more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, ‘more?’"
She said, "Well, we aren’t having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"
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PHOTO FOR MOM
A college student's mother is bothering him to send a photo of himself. The only photo has is one where he's totally nude. He figures he'll just cut it into half and send the top half to his mother. A few weeks later, he gets a letter from his grandmother requesting a photo. He didn't want to make her feel bad, but he had no other photo. He figured since his grandmother was practically blind, he'd just send the bottom half of his nude photo. A week later he receives a nice letter from grandmother. She wrote, "You look great, but your hairstyle makes your nose look long."
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A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.
"Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!" he replied.
"I’m pregnant!" she said.
He kissed her and told her, "That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh honey, there’s more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, ‘more?’"
She said, "Well, we aren’t having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"
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PHOTO FOR MOM
A college student's mother is bothering him to send a photo of himself. The only photo has is one where he's totally nude. He figures he'll just cut it into half and send the top half to his mother. A few weeks later, he gets a letter from his grandmother requesting a photo. He didn't want to make her feel bad, but he had no other photo. He figured since his grandmother was practically blind, he'd just send the bottom half of his nude photo. A week later he receives a nice letter from grandmother. She wrote, "You look great, but your hairstyle makes your nose look long."
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"You look great, but your hairstyle makes your nose look SMALL."
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PASSWORD PROBLEMS
A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
"Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me." SUNBURN A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
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GORILLA CAGE
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge. The next day, the man purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
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A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
"Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me." SUNBURN A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
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GORILLA CAGE
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge. The next day, the man purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
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Saturday, January 17, 2009
Is Sex Work or Play
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
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The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister… a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge… A Rabbi.
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The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work… my wife would have the maid do it."
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The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister… a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge… A Rabbi.
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The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work… my wife would have the maid do it."
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Monday, December 15, 2008
When Man Gives A Woman......
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she' ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll make you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!"
If you give her sperm, she' ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll make you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!"
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Friday, December 12, 2008
Funny but Not Funny
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I was depressed last night so I called the Crisis Hotline
I was put through to a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Sunday, December 7, 2008
Funny Priest Joke
A Priest checks into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?" She says "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."Thursday, November 20, 2008
Go to the end of line
A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, W. Va., and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file ad says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.
"No, sir: that’s where the end of the line is right now."
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The clerk pulls up a file ad says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.
"No, sir: that’s where the end of the line is right now."
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Number 5,000
Friday, November 14, 2008
How's Your Sex Life?
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
.The first woman said, "I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter."
"How so?"
"He’s got his time down to under a minute."
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Saturday, November 1, 2008
Need a Laugh
Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
10. You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person giving you candy doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.
3. It doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.
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S - H - I - T
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday."
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Dead Serious
A couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.
Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.
"Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?" she asks angrily.
"Are you kidding me?" He replies, "You didn’t use what I got you last year!"
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Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He turned 90.
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10. You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person giving you candy doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.
3. It doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.
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S - H - I - T
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday."
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Dead Serious
A couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.
Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.
"Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?" she asks angrily.
"Are you kidding me?" He replies, "You didn’t use what I got you last year!"
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Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He turned 90.
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Thursday, October 23, 2008
LOL
Widow
To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on some daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago.
After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms.
He said, "I’m sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Smith."
"You’ve found her, Father," smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms.
"That’s correct, Father, he surely did. But I didn’t."
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Calling in Work Sick
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on some daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago.
After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms.
He said, "I’m sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Smith."
"You’ve found her, Father," smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms.
"That’s correct, Father, he surely did. But I didn’t."
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Calling in Work Sick
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Some Jokes
YOUR COW
One day, a country boy, who liked the neighbor girl found himself lucky enough to be sitting with her on the top rail of the cattle pen.
As they watched a bull servicing a cow, he turned to her, with what he hoped was a suggestive look, and said, "That looks like it would be fun."
She looked over at him, and replied, rather dubiously, "Well… she’s your cow."
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WHICH GENDER
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were waiting to see their obstetrician. Trying to make conversation, the brunette said, "I'm going to have a boy. I'm sure of it because I was on top." The redhead said, "I know I'm going to have a girl. I'm sure because I was on the bottom." The blonde suddenly burst into tears. The other women tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. "I think I'm going to have puppies," she sobbed.
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UGLY WOMAN
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he’s 9 and she’s 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can’t believe you got laid twice"!
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One day, a country boy, who liked the neighbor girl found himself lucky enough to be sitting with her on the top rail of the cattle pen.
As they watched a bull servicing a cow, he turned to her, with what he hoped was a suggestive look, and said, "That looks like it would be fun."
She looked over at him, and replied, rather dubiously, "Well… she’s your cow."
.
WHICH GENDER
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were waiting to see their obstetrician. Trying to make conversation, the brunette said, "I'm going to have a boy. I'm sure of it because I was on top." The redhead said, "I know I'm going to have a girl. I'm sure because I was on the bottom." The blonde suddenly burst into tears. The other women tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. "I think I'm going to have puppies," she sobbed.
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UGLY WOMAN
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he’s 9 and she’s 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can’t believe you got laid twice"!
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Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Need to Laugh
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
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The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.
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At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth.
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One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
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The other is getting 'oral pleasure' from an 85 year old toothless woman.
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They are both thinking the exact same thing.
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What are they both thinking?
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Don't look down...
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Don't look down...
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Don't look down...
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Thanks Richard
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
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The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.
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At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth.
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One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
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The other is getting 'oral pleasure' from an 85 year old toothless woman.
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They are both thinking the exact same thing.
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What are they both thinking?
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.
.
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Don't look down...
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Don't look down...
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Don't look down...
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Thanks Richard
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Assorted Jokes
Embarrassing Times
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
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Teenage Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!"
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Women Superiority
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous.
Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxi's stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
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CRISCO
There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached.
"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman,
"I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered,
"I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."
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TWO STORY HOUSE
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
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Teenage Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!"
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Women Superiority
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous.
Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxi's stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
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CRISCO
There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached.
"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman,
"I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered,
"I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."
.
TWO STORY HOUSE
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
3 Old Ladies
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Just for Laughs
Two Aspirin
A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling horny but true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What the hell did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, "That’s all I wanted to hear."
.
Dangers of Heavy Drinking
I just read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking… Scared the daylights out of me.
So what did it say!
After today, no more reading.
A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling horny but true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What the hell did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, "That’s all I wanted to hear."
.
Dangers of Heavy Drinking
I just read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking… Scared the daylights out of me.
So what did it say!
After today, no more reading.
.
A Long Marriage
When I asked a friend the secret of his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry." "That's a great philosophy," I noted. "Yes," he continued. "And the longest we've gone without sleep so far is five days."
A Long Marriage
When I asked a friend the secret of his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry." "That's a great philosophy," I noted. "Yes," he continued. "And the longest we've gone without sleep so far is five days."
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunburn Treatment
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns..
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’
.
From
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’
.
From
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Grandma's Eyesight
Sending Nude Pictures:
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandma. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandma's eyesight is. A week later, he receives a letter from his grandma. It says... 'Thank you for the picture. But you should change your hair style, it makes your nose look small!'
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandma. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandma's eyesight is. A week later, he receives a letter from his grandma. It says... 'Thank you for the picture. But you should change your hair style, it makes your nose look small!'
Friday, July 11, 2008
1st Grade
After leaving the kindergarten the kids were now in first grade.
.
Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
.
So she told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.
.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."
.
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
.
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He thought about it, puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
.
Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
.
So she told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.
.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."
.
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
.
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He thought about it, puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Need to Laugh
Mexican Gas
Americans are flocking to Tijuana, Mexico, to fill up their cars because gas is 50 percent cheaper there.
Even better, the gas is free if you take two Mexicans home in your trunk.
.
Man's Best Friend
Q: How can you prove that a dog is truly a man's best friend?
A: Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
..
Price Increase
Dow Chemical is raising its prices on household items because of rising energy costs.
Big Oil immediately condemned the move, saying Dow is stealing their idea.
.
Blondes
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna to have to explain it five times."
.
Charges Dismissed
Yesterday in California, a judge ruled that Britney Spears will not be charged with driving over the foot of a member of the paparazzi last year.
Britney got off on a technicality; her toddler was driving at the time.
Americans are flocking to Tijuana, Mexico, to fill up their cars because gas is 50 percent cheaper there.
Even better, the gas is free if you take two Mexicans home in your trunk.
.
Man's Best Friend
Q: How can you prove that a dog is truly a man's best friend?
A: Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
..
Price Increase
Dow Chemical is raising its prices on household items because of rising energy costs.
Big Oil immediately condemned the move, saying Dow is stealing their idea.
.
Blondes
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna to have to explain it five times."
.
Charges Dismissed
Yesterday in California, a judge ruled that Britney Spears will not be charged with driving over the foot of a member of the paparazzi last year.
Britney got off on a technicality; her toddler was driving at the time.
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