.Friday, February 13, 2009
Today
Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn’t pick up hers.
Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection.
Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a image of me naked. I accidently sent it to my dad and got a text back saying "You definitely take after your mom".
Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way.
Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You’re looking very white today!" He’s African American.
Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list.
Today, the cleaning lady left a note that said my house was too dirty to clean.
Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth.
Today, I scored the winning goal in the state finals. For the other team.
Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that's what happens when you get fat.
Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting.
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Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection.
Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a image of me naked. I accidently sent it to my dad and got a text back saying "You definitely take after your mom".
Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way.
Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You’re looking very white today!" He’s African American.
Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list.
Today, the cleaning lady left a note that said my house was too dirty to clean.
Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth.
Today, I scored the winning goal in the state finals. For the other team.
Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that's what happens when you get fat.
Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting.
.
Scheme Factory said...
What's up with that last one? Isn't it supposed to be a chick?..er oh yeah. Cool!
What's up with that last one? Isn't it supposed to be a chick?..er oh yeah. Cool!
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Baby-faced boy becomes a father
A 13-year-old boy has become a father, it emerged today.Alfie Patten is now a parent to Maisie Roxanne after his 15-year-old girlfriend Chantelle Steadman gave birth four days ago.
The baby-faced 4ft teenager said he was determined to be a good father even though he has no money and only occasionally gets pocket money from his father.
'I don't really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10,' he told The Sun.
As for nappies Alfie said he didn't know how much they cost but added: 'I think it's a lot.'
Alfie, who lives with his mother Nicola, 43, in Eastbourne, was 12 when Maisie was conceived after the pair had just one night of unprotected sex.
Twelve weeks after having had sex the 15-year-old schoolgirl discovered she was pregnant after she started suffering stomach pains and went, with Alfie, to the doctor.
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Small Bits of News You Didn’t Know you Needed
Man receives a shot of air up his butt
A German steel foundry worker has been given a nine months jail sentence after poking an air rifle up his friend's bottom and firing it - causing his intestines to explode.
Denis Schwarz, 25, said he'd only wanted to help his pal who had complained about sweaty buttocks from working in the Halberg Guss factory where molten metal kept temperatures soaring.
He said he had jokingly offered to help his friend cool down by blowing some air over him and said: "We often played around with air rifles - it was just a bit of fooling around - I said I was going to shoot him in the butt. He said he didn't care and I pulled the trigger and he just collapsed."
The Court in Leipzig, which gave him a suspended sentence, heard that the high pressure air blast had ruptured the man's intestines and he had almost died.
His victim said: "I suddenly felt this incredible pain - you can't imagine it. I couldn't breathe it hurt so much, you can't know how happy I was when I got to hospital and they gave me an anaesthetic." He had an emergency operation which the victim almost died from. He was in intensive care for 11 days. A big section of his large intestine was removed and he had to have a bag fitted to collect waste."
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Cops ID Man Dragged by Car for 20 Miles
The man who was struck by a car, trapped under a van and dragged for nearly 20 miles through New York City streets was identified Thursday as an Ecuadorean immigrant who had turned 26 the day before he was killed.
Guido Salvador Carabajo-Jara was crossing a busy street near his home in Queens when he was hit by an SUV, then impaled by a steel plate on the undercarriage of a van. The body wasn't discovered until the second driver arrived in Brooklyn about an hour later.
Police identified the victim after investigators spent nearly a day trying to identify the body, which was found largely intact but horribly battered. The man's heels were shorn off, and his clothes and several layers of skin on his legs and buttocks were worn off.
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A German steel foundry worker has been given a nine months jail sentence after poking an air rifle up his friend's bottom and firing it - causing his intestines to explode.
Denis Schwarz, 25, said he'd only wanted to help his pal who had complained about sweaty buttocks from working in the Halberg Guss factory where molten metal kept temperatures soaring.
He said he had jokingly offered to help his friend cool down by blowing some air over him and said: "We often played around with air rifles - it was just a bit of fooling around - I said I was going to shoot him in the butt. He said he didn't care and I pulled the trigger and he just collapsed."
The Court in Leipzig, which gave him a suspended sentence, heard that the high pressure air blast had ruptured the man's intestines and he had almost died.
His victim said: "I suddenly felt this incredible pain - you can't imagine it. I couldn't breathe it hurt so much, you can't know how happy I was when I got to hospital and they gave me an anaesthetic." He had an emergency operation which the victim almost died from. He was in intensive care for 11 days. A big section of his large intestine was removed and he had to have a bag fitted to collect waste."
.
Cops ID Man Dragged by Car for 20 Miles
The man who was struck by a car, trapped under a van and dragged for nearly 20 miles through New York City streets was identified Thursday as an Ecuadorean immigrant who had turned 26 the day before he was killed.
Guido Salvador Carabajo-Jara was crossing a busy street near his home in Queens when he was hit by an SUV, then impaled by a steel plate on the undercarriage of a van. The body wasn't discovered until the second driver arrived in Brooklyn about an hour later.
Police identified the victim after investigators spent nearly a day trying to identify the body, which was found largely intact but horribly battered. The man's heels were shorn off, and his clothes and several layers of skin on his legs and buttocks were worn off.
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