Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Loose Ends!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Texas."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Well......................, Maybe!!
A woman died and was sent to heaven.
One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God.
She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.
She only wanted to ask one question of him.
So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"
God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, "Every good design needs a rough draft!!"
Code Word for Sex
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children know about it.
They decided on the word “Typewriter.”
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Second Opinion
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Texas."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Well......................, Maybe!!
A woman died and was sent to heaven.
One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God.
She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.
She only wanted to ask one question of him.
So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"
God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, "Every good design needs a rough draft!!"
Code Word for Sex
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children know about it.
They decided on the word “Typewriter.”
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Second Opinion
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
"DUMB ROBBERS"
Aug 7, 2007
Robber forgets bag, leaves without money
A bank teller apparently flustered a would-be bank robber — and foiled a robbery — after asking where the suspect's bag was to carry off the money, authorities said.
Oakland County Sheriff's Detective Tom Bisio said the suspect entered a Chase Bank branch Monday wearing a hooded sweat shirt, sunglasses and winter gloves. He handed the teller a small piece of cardboard that read, "Give me your money."
"He told a teller to 'hurry up,' but when she asked him if he had a bag to put the money into, it must have flustered him," Bisio told The Detroit News for a story Tuesday. "He ran off without any cash."
Police say the man also is a suspect in a completed bank theft later Monday in Macomb County and three others in Oakland County in recent weeks.
http://www.wcfcourier.com/articles/2007/07/31/news/metro/30b0d2f2741a291186257329004c82d5.txt July 31, 2007
Waterloo police investigate armed robbery
WATERLOO, IOWA--- Three robbers left their loot behind after sticking up a convenience store and beating the clerk this morning. The trio entered the Kwik Stop at 1761 Independence Ave. at about 1:30 a.m. One of them displayed a handgun, and they demanded money and ordered the worker to get to the back of the store, police said. The employee told them to take anything they wanted, said Lt. Rich Carter with the Waterloo Police Department. The robbers loaded cash and bottles of alcohol into a backpack, and one of the intruders struck him once with the pistol, police said. The weapon wasn't fired, police said.When they fled, they left the backpack in the store. The clerk was treated at the scene by Waterloo Fire Rescue. A search of the area was conducted by members of the Waterloo Police Department and Black Hawk County Sheriff's Office. No arrests have been made, and the incident remains under investigation. The robbers are described as black males in their teens.
Joke for the day
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well- groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've
never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well- groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've
never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
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