Need to Laugh

Not Another Step
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don’t take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don’t take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
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Havig A Bad Day
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said,
"Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife…"
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Think About It
"I’m getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find"
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This is how Texans do it:
A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I’m gonna raffle him off." "Ya can’t raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn’t no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
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Pregnancy Questions
Here are a few answers to commonly asked pregnancy questions by both men and women.
First, the questions from women:
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

And, from men:
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Only if the words "alimony" and "child support" scare you.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When your kids are out of college.
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