In the News

Funeral home loses Grandma!
Saying goodbye to Grandma is always a very hard thing to do. It's even more difficult when you arrive at the funeral home only to find some other dead old lady in your dear Granny's casket!Lilian Balmores's family was faced with just such a dilemma when they arrived at the suburban Chicago funeral home where they made arrangements for the final services. Upon entering the final viewing room they didn't expect to find some other woman in Grandma's place resting in the casket!
To add insult to injury, not only was the strange woman wearing Lilian's favorite yellow dress, but also her bracelet. Purportedly, the mix-up occurred because Grandma Balmore's body was tagged incorrectly, and she was buried the day before her own funeral.
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George Bush resigns after signing major league baseball contract
President George W. Bush resigned today after revealing he has signed a 3 year 4 million dollar contract with the St Louis cardinals. White house officials were shocked at the news, saying only that the former president called into work today, said he wasn't coming back and that we could take this job and shove it! Bush has come under fire in recent years for his economic policies as well as his controversial decision to go to war with Iraq. He also has the lowest approval rating of any U.S President in history. Vice President Dick Cheney will assume Presidential duties until Senator Barak Obama is elected this November. Both house and senate democrats praised the move calling it the only good decision Bush has made in 7 1/2 years.
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Funeral for dedicated 26 year cable company employee
New York, NY: Approximately 2 days ago, Dan Katz, a 26 year veteran for the Time Warner Cable company died in a fatal accident during a cable installation. Katz's supervisor has described the installation somewhat "complicated" but nothing "he couldn't handle". His entire division is shocked beyond belief, the entire cable installation crew have worn their pants at half-ass in respect. Shortly upon learning of his death, the Time Warner Cable corporation has announced the memorial service will start sometime between the hours of 2 and 6 pm. The company had opted against the traditional hearse caravan, for active Time Warner Cable vans.Community members were shocked, and remember his cheerful banter during installations. Upper west side resident, Diane Lomax, said, "I remember a few sentences, I forgot what they were about, but they were good." As many cable company employees are stereotyped as lonely, Dan had a rich set of friends and family.Katz sister, Mary was overwhelmed by Time Warner's gracious offer to host the memorial services. "Dan loved the afternoon shift." She was also grateful for the authenticity of the event. She even called Time Warner asking for "some idea" when the funeral would begin. "I couldn't believe the respect they had for Dan and his work. I wanted to know if it would be closer to 2 or 6 and they told me 'we don't know ma'am.' I was bawling, because that was what Dan would have ftlinewanted." Choosing a eulogy also proved to be a daunting task, as the company provided over 350 of them, but Mary described only "a handful as decent."The community has surely felt a huge loss at this time as well, as many people reported to have slipped Katz body $20 bills, a modest thanks for free cable they've received. When his family was asked how long they plan to remain in mourning, they replied, "Since we're first time mourners, we plan for sadness, grieving and support in a package deal, at least for the first 6 months; after that we have to spend emotions on all three separately."