A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.
"Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!" he replied.
"I’m pregnant!" she said.
He kissed her and told her, "That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh honey, there’s more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, ‘more?’"
She said, "Well, we aren’t having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"
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PHOTO FOR MOM
A college student's mother is bothering him to send a photo of himself. The only photo has is one where he's totally nude. He figures he'll just cut it into half and send the top half to his mother. A few weeks later, he gets a letter from his grandmother requesting a photo. He didn't want to make her feel bad, but he had no other photo. He figured since his grandmother was practically blind, he'd just send the bottom half of his nude photo. A week later he receives a nice letter from grandmother. She wrote, "You look great, but your hairstyle makes your nose look long."
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"You look great, but your hairstyle makes your nose look SMALL."
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PASSWORD PROBLEMS
A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
"Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me." SUNBURN A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
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GORILLA CAGE
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge. The next day, the man purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
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A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
"Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me." SUNBURN A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
.
GORILLA CAGE
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge. The next day, the man purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
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