Monday, September 3, 2007

Small Town Witness

A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a respectful, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. Quickly jumping in, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your asses in jail for contempt."


It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. who does this remind you of
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.


The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, Well-dressed Good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would Prefer Someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred Dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too Expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's Attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Blonde Jokes

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"

She replies "15 inches."

He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?"

She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It’s for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!"

Almost Forgot to Post

Here are the origins of few symbols we use in everyday life.

Dollar Sign
Origin: When the U.S. government begin issuing its own money in 1794, it used the common world currency - the peso - also called the Spanish dollar. The first American silver dollars were identical to Spanish pesos in weight and value, so they took the same written abbreviations: Ps. That evolved into a P with an s written right on top of it, and when people began to omit the circular part of the p, the sign simply became an S with a vertical line through it.
Equal Sign
Origin: Invented by English mathematician Robert Recorde in 1557, with this rationale: "I will settle as I doe often in woorke use, a paire of paralleles, or Gmowe [i.e., twin] lines of one length, thus : , bicause noe 2 thynges, can be more equalle." His equal signs were about five times as long as the current ones, and it took more than a century for his sign to be accepted over its rival: a strange curly symbol invented by Descartes.
Question Mark
Origin: When early scholars wrote in Latin, they would place the word questio - meaning "question" - at the end of a sentence to indicate a query. To conserve valuable space, writing it was soon shortened to qo, which caused another problem - readers might mistake it for the ending of a word. So they squashed the letters into a symbol: a lowercased q on top of an o. Over time the o shrank to a dot and the q to a squiggle, giving us our current question mark.

Exclamation Point
Origin: Like the question mark, the exclamation point was invented by stacking letters. The mark comes from the Latin word io, meaning "exclamation of joy." Written vertically, with the i above the o, it forms the exclamation point we use today.
Olympic Rings
Origin: Designed in 1913 by Baron Pierre de Coubertin, the five rings represent the five regions of the world that participated in the Olympics: Africa, the Americas, Asia, Europe, and Oceania. While the individual rings do not symbolize any single continent, the five colors - red, blue, green, yellow, and black - were chosen because at least one of them is found on the flag of every nation. The plain white background is symbolic of peace.

The Beer Prayer

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I Didn't Know That

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. The dentist takes out a syringe to give the man a shot. "No way” No needles I hate needles, the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't” say the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when your tooth comes out."

Small Bits of News

Bizarre In The Boro
These "bizarre" reports were on file last week with Murfreesboro Police.
A woman sold a man a 1996 Mercury Sable without a title for $400. Later, the man demanded his money back or he would have her arrested for selling a stolen car.
Click Here To Read More

Girl gang forces victims to strip
Two teenage girls were forced to walk naked through the streets after a gang of older girls stole their clothes. The 14-year-olds were attacked by the gang on Field Street in Gorton, Manchester, on Thursday night. The thieves took a cell phone from one of them before slapping their victims, pulling their hair, stealing their clothes and running off.The girls had to walk naked to a shop to get help. The attackers are said to be white and aged about 15 or 16.

Men Dressed As Women Shoplifted From Brookfield Store
Police in Brookfield said that three men dressed as women shoplifted merchandise from the intimate apparel area of a department store at the Brookfield Square shopping center.
Police responded Wednesday evening to a report of retail theft in progress at Boston Store.
Click Here To Read More

Worlds Strongest and most Expensive Beer

Samuel Adams' Utopias:
This beer is brewed by the Boston Beer Company, using the brand name of Samuel Adam's Utopias, named after one of the founding fathers of the USA. This comes second in the list of the world's most expensive beer which costs around $100 per bottle (24 oz) or about $67 per pint, sold in copper bottles resembling the copper brewing kettles which are used by brewers for hundreds of years. The alcohol content is 25%, making it the strongest beer in the world (listed in the Guinness Book of Records). The process of making this beverage can take up to 12 years, giving it the unique and rich flavors. It is said that the production was limited to 8,000 bottles per year.

Any One Want To Do It?

What a difference a letter 'P' and two months can make

Back in June, eBay user petere92346 sold a bottle of allsop's arctic ale full and corked with a wax sealbrewed in 1852 for an arctic expedition

The buyer, eBay user collectordan, re-auctioned it in August as Museum Quality ALLSOPP's ARCTIC ALE 1852 SEALED/FULL!!!
RAREST Historic Beer in the World! AMAZING HISTORY!!!

Another Reason not to buy Chinese Goods

Live worms found in Chinese chocolates
Last week worms and moths crawled out of a box of chocolates imitating a popular international brand, and even a few larvae. But by the time this was noticed, a few chocolate balls had been consumed. The chocolates were picked up by a Korean consumer on his trip to China. But local manufacturing experts say it looks as though the contamination happened during the manufacturing process. "It seems to be seriously contaminated during the manufacturing process since the larvae of Plodia Interpun were found," says Professor Ahn Young-chul at Eulji University.

Reports suggest that worms were found in some chocolates made in Korea as well. But the news about the 'China Chocolates' adds to the already-damaged "Made in China" brand. China, for it's part, dismisses the reports and defends the quality of its exports. The consumer who found worms in his chocolate said the Chinese manufacturer of the chocolate insisted he goes back to China with the product if he wanted any compensation.

Some people will never learn how bad smoking is to them and everyone around them

Man smoking while on oxygen may have caused fire
A fast-moving fire in Orlando, Florida that may have been caused by a man smoking while using oxygen left 27 people homeless Saturday and damaged or destroyed at least a dozen apartments, authorities said.
Residents said there was a loud explosion about 7:15 a.m. and then flames began shooting through the roof of 2338 S. Conway Road in The Grove apartments, south of Curry Ford Road.
"It sounded like boom, like a bomb," said Julio Saez, 9, who was awakened by the noise.
The man who lived in the apartment where the two-alarm fire started, Kevin McMahon, 55, was in critical condition Saturday at Orlando Regional Medical Center. Authorities said he suffered from smoke inhalation and burns to the face, arms and hands.
Orlando police Lt. Laura Houston said the oxygen tank apparently sparked the fire. A neighbor and a friend of McMahon said he has emphysema and other ailments and uses oxygen to breathe better.

Talk About Being Out of Place