Saturday, February 7, 2009

Best Valentine's Gift Ever Heart Pizza - At least to a man.

trail dust said...
You know, if my chick is gonna go through this effort at least shape it like a set of double D's.
Would that be "Frontal or Profile?"
Tattoo Jim said...
Uh... I'm not seeing any bacon on that bad boy.
Damn baby, you pissed at me???
Oh Shit! I thought you said you loved me.

What To Say When You Snap in Work

There are days when you reach beyond what you can bear and snap at work. Instead of saying something completely mundane and non impactful, here are a few good suggestions of what you can say under those circumstances. If you are gonna crack, might as well make it a good one right?
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.
trail dust said...
When it comes to to it, work just sucks.
Except during a recession, it's vary tolerable.
Maybe you choose a wrong job to do?
Tattoo Jim said...
One more good side to being retired.
Yes retirement has its perks.
I have been on SSD for eight years

PAB’s Red Eye Intros - NSFW

trail dust said...
Hell ya, this is why I roll with my split scrren T.V.
My kid learns to sing with Big Bird and I get to watch the the Bitch on Red Eye!

Student charged with blackmailing students into sex acts

Boy Pretends to Be Girl on Facebook; Blackmails Boys Into Having Sex with Him
Anthony Stancl, 18, posing as a female on Facebook, persuaded at least 31 boys to send him naked pictures and then blackmailed some of the boys into performing sex acts under the threat that the pictures would be released to the rest of the high school. Seven of the 31 were forced to have sex with him.
trail dust said...
OK, so he got 7 out of 31?
Why didn't at least ONE out of the 7 beat the shit out of him?
Hall Monitor said...
Check out DetentionSlip for all the crazy headlines like this from our schools.

Old Man Pulls 13 of His Teeth Out with Pliers!

A former Iraq war soldier pulled 13 of his own teeth out with a pair of pliers because he could not afford a dentist.
Ian Boynton Holds the Teeth
Anonymous said...
...looks like he missed a few...
Anonymous said...
Pliers? Those are Channel Locks.
Sorry to tell you "Channel Locks" is a name brand.
They have a name "Adjustable Grove Joint Pliers" and yes they are a type of a "Plier."
trail dust said...
This dude has no luck. Not one of those teeth are gold.
Can't even get a forty with that fist full of rot.

Small Bits of News You Didn’t Know you Needed

Man asks airport security to 'please throw that away'
An Atlanta man was arrested while trying to board a flight from Northwest Florida Regional Airport to Atlanta and faces charges of possession of a controlled substance.
James Allen Leonard, 56, was going through the screening process when officials discovered a razor in his wallet. A screening agent opened the wallet and discovered the razor in a clear plastic baggie, as well as a smaller baggie that contained a white powder.
While showing the items to a supervisor, the supervisor overheard Leonard say, "Can you please throw that away. This will ruin my career."
The substance tested positive for crystal methamphetamine, according to the arrest report.
Leonard stated that he had cancer and that he obtained the substance from an "unknown Chinese herbalist" in the Atlanta area, the arrest report says.
Want something for free pretend you're a cop.
So why not a drink?
Rhett P. Hopkins of Sarasota thought he'd give it a try.
When he couldn't pay the $4 tab at a pub, he told the bartender he was an undercover cop on the job,
The 25-year-old argued with staffers at O’Malley’s Pub & Restaurant and even told a Sarasota cop that he worked for "Homeland Security."
A good try, but no. Now his $4 bar tab is a $1,750 bail tab.
Man loses wallet, spraying $100-bills on road
An Omaha Nebraska man is smiling with relief because a posse of strangers rounded up and returned more than $2,000 that spilled from his dropped wallet.
Anthony Burres says he was riding his motorcycle Thursday when the wallet loaded with hundred-dollar bills fell from his pocket onto the street.
Burres says a driver followed him for several blocks, flagged him down, and told him of his loss.
When he returned to the scene, he couldn't believe his eyes.
Several other drivers had stopped, picked up the money, and were waiting for him so they could return it.
Burres says only one $100-bill was missing from his original $2,500.
VW driver speeds off with officer hanging out the door
Maybe Bradford Sheldon should have just told the truth.
But no.
He gave the cop a fake name and Social Security number.
Then he refused to give the cop his keys when the cop asked for them.
Then as the cop struggled to get him out of the car, Sheldon drove off.
Unfortunately, the cop's upper body was still in the car and his feet dangled outside.
Sheldon continued to drive, telling the officer to "just get out," even as the car zoomed along at 80 mph.
Finally a crash. Sheldon tried to escape. The cop even tasered him but that didn't stop him.
Finally the cop tackled and arrested him.
Sheldon had just been released last fall from the Marion Correction Institution after serving more than a year for credit card fraud and cocaine possession.
Maybe he missed the big house.
No problem, 'cause he just earned the cell key.
Timing is everything. Even in crime.
Suspected gang members pick wrong house for home invasion
If the four admitted members of the "Mexican Mafia" arrived at their target home an hour later, it would have been empty.
If they arrived an hour earlier, they'd have surprised their intended victims.
As it happened, they arrived at the home at the precise time the Polk County cops were on the scene making an arrest.
Bad timing, indeed.
The cops were arresting six people at the home when four armed men drove up in a car.
The gang member told cops that someone at the residence owed drug money to his gang.
So the cops had a full(er) paddywagon.
A total of 10 suspects were arrested.
Bad timing for this gang.
Good timing for the good guys.
Sign Warns of British Invasion
A hacked electronic highway sign in northern Texas carried a warning not thought about in several centuries.
On Friday, the sign briefly flashed: "OMG The British R coming. They R watching you."
The electronic sign was in a construction area in southwest Lubbock.
The Texas Department of Transportation said the mobile sign belongs to a contractor.
A statement from Austin Bridge & Road said someone "with a questionable sense of humor" accessed the password on the message board.
The company said the portable sign which was hacked has since been removed, after a permanent exit sign was installed.
Police had no word yet on the culprits.
Cannabis Milkman Avoids Jail
A 72-year-old milkman who supplied cannabis to customers on his round has been given a thirty-six-week suspended sentence. Robert Holding provided drugs to elderly customers, one of who was in her nineties.