Just for Laughs

Two Aspirin
A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling horny but true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What the hell did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, "That’s all I wanted to hear."
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Dangers of Heavy Drinking
I just read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking… Scared the daylights out of me.
So what did it say!
After today, no more reading.

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A Long Marriage
When I asked a friend the secret of his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry." "That's a great philosophy," I noted. "Yes," he continued. "And the longest we've gone without sleep so far is five days."

Jack Russell puppy sneak attack

Small Bits of News You Didn’t Know you Needed

Pilot Lets Small Plane Fly Itself
A civilian pilot left the controls of his small plane while he untangled a British Army parachutist who got tangled up in the landing gear, London's Sun newspaper reported on Saturday.
The British soldier was one of six participating in a parachuting competition at the Joint Service Parachute Center at Bad Lippspringe in Germany. The first five jumped from the plane successfully, but when the sixth — the instructor — tried to leap out and open his chute at an altitude of 3,000 feet, it only partially deployed.
The flier left his seat for about 30 seconds to reach out and cut the parachute lines that got caught on the twin propeller engine Islander's undercarriage.
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Nurse gave wrong woman abortion
A nurse who gave a chemical abortion to a patient who had only come for a consultation has been cautioned.
Ann Downer, based at the Calthorpe Clinic in Edgbaston, Birmingham, failed to check the woman's personal details before giving her the drug.
The woman was recalled when Ms Downer realized her mistake but the drug had already taken effect.
The Nursing and Midwifery Council said she could keep her job but would have a caution on her record for three years.
A spokesman said the council's conduct and competence committee heard the clinic's practice was to only call out patient's first names in a bid to protect confidentiality while in the waiting room.
Once the patient was inside a private room, other details, such as full name, birthdate and address were checked to make sure it was the person they were expecting.
Ms Downer failed to carry out an identity check and gave a drug, Misoprostol, to a woman who was due to have an initial consultation.
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Handcuffed girl, 13, steals prison van
A 13-year-old Lynwood girl being taken back to Illinois from southern Indiana in a prison transport van stole the vehicle and drove off after the lost driver stopped to ask for directions, police said. And she did it all while handcuffed and shackled.
The girl, who made it to Chicago before getting caught, was ordered held in juvenile detention Friday. It all started when the girl ran away with her boyfriend and headed to Indiana. The boyfriend was arrested there, possibly because of his age in connection with their relationship.
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Skinny Murder Suspect Escapes Through Jail Air Vent
A man charged with murder escaped from jail early Saturday by climbing through an air conditioner vent, authorities said.
The vent was less than a foot wide, and authorities said Darryl Layne Norris had been losing weight since arriving at the Waller County Jail in April.
The jail noticed the 6-foot, 160-pound man was missing after performing a routine head count.

The Booze Test - Name That Alcohol

A fun game that tests your knowledge of popular alcoholic beverages.
Take The Booze Test

Sex, blood and baby names for free gas

Some U.S. motorists sick of getting clobbered at the pump seem willing to do just about anything for free fuel, from giving up the right to name their children to stealing from day-care centers to donating blood.
In Orlando, Florida, David Partin pledged to name his son after local radio hosts to win a $100 gas card as part of a contest. Partin will collect the card in December, when his son is born, if he can produce a birth certificate proving the baby is named Dixon Willoughby Partin, after the hosts. (His wife said) this is his problem to explain when the child is older
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babyboy said...
The gas station bought this father for only 100$?

I'm so sorry for this poor baby.

Why you don't want to sit by Home Plate

Rats laugh when you tickle them

You Failed

The Wheel Of Fail

Voters renaming sewage plant after Bush

San Francisco voters, never thrilled with George W. Bush, may give the U.S. president a parting shot in November by naming a sewage plant after him.
A ballot measure aimed at deriding the Republican president by renaming the city's newest sewage plant qualified on Thursday after organizers submitted 7,168 signatures to the local Department of Elections, officials said.
"What we are doing is satire, part of the proud tradition of skewering political figures that dates back to the Revolution," organizers said on their Web site, here.
"In our opinion it's well earned, for here you have a president who is oblivious to the consequences of his actions, for which thousands have paid with their lives."
The site, which calls itself the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco, shows the presidential seal with an eagle holding two toilet plungers.

Small Bits of News You Didn’t Know you Needed

Man found fondling himself on front porch.
Restaurant workers in the 100 block of East Stewart Street had an unpleasant start to their workday on Wednesday, July 16.
Several employees arriving about 10:20 a.m. for work noticed a man nude and fondling himself on his front porch, according to a police report.
When police arrived, they asked John C. Hibbitts, 58, what he was doing. He said, "It's OK. I'm a nudist. It's hot out," according to the report.
Officers noticed a half-empty 40-once container of alcohol on the porch.
Police arrested Hibbitts on a misdemeanor charge of public indecency after he got dressed, the report said.
PICTURE
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Thief unknowing gives loot back to victim
Three days after stealing a rare collection of coins, a thief in Germany took them to the bank for safe keeping - and delivered them into the hands of the man he had robbed.
Soon after the deposit, a bank worker handling the coins recognized them as the set worth around £40,000 that had been stolen from his house.
Police tracked down the 36-year-old suspect and arrested him, finding a haul of other stolen goods in the process.
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Teens make human skull bong
Teenagers have been charged after digging up a grave to make a bong out of a human skull.
Three teenagers were arrested after two of them told police they dug up a secluded grave near Houston, Texas, removed the skull from a coffin and converted it into a bong.
Kevin Wade Jones, 17, and Matthew Richard Gonzalez, 17 were arrested Wednesday night and were being held on misdemeanor charges of abuse of a corpse.
Police believe the grave is that of an 11-year-old boy.
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Man stole $44,000 in gas, police say
Swiped fuel card from ex-employer
Because he wasn't footing the bill, Thomas Jones made excessive use of one of the most indulgent substances out there these days -- premium-grade gasoline.
According to Mike Ulrich, Mr. Jones' former employer at BW Wholesale Florist in the Strip District, Mr. Jones pumped thousands of gallons of premium gasoline with a stolen gas card over several months, charging $43,695.16 to the company.
For several months, Mr. Ulrich said, Mr. Jones operated under the radar -- $59 here, $49 there.
"Then he just went crazy in June," Mr. Ulrich said.
According to the police affidavit, Mr. Ulrich's bill for the second half of June had more than $15,500 in false charges that he had determined were from Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones had slipped into the warehouse at night undetected and swiped a duplicate Pacific Pride fuel card.
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Dutch workers recover money flushed down toilet
A Dutch woman who accidentally flushed 900 euros (714 pounds) down the toilet got her money back after workers fished the bank notes from the drain.
The woman from the eastern town of Oldenzaal had just withdrawn 1,000 euros in 100-euro bills to spend on her forthcoming holiday. Nine of the notes slipped out of her back pocket and into the toilet bowl while she was relieving herself.
Using a mini-camera designed to detect blockages in drains and sewers, workers were able to find the nine bank notes, one of which had floated 15 meters (50 ft) from the house.
The woman hung the bills out to dry before heading off on holiday with her family.
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With this fake wife, I divorce thee
An Indian man who took an impersonator to court to get a divorce faces legal action after his real wife found out, lawyers said on Friday.
Sanjib Saha presented a woman as his wife in a lower court in the eastern city of Kolkata this month. Both said they sought a mutual divorce, something the court granted immediately.
Saha's real wife was then asked to leave the marital home. She has since appealed the ruling at a higher court, charged her husband with cheating and the original divorce was suspended.
"The case exposed the legal loopholes in our system," Kaushik Chanda, lawyer of Saha's real wife, said.
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Flight Diverted After Man Strips, Tries to Open Exit Door
An American Airlines flight from Boston to Los Angeles was diverted to Oklahoma City on Friday after a passenger stripped nude and later tried to open an emergency exit door before being subdued by members of a professional soccer team and others, the FBI said.
Members of the New England Revolution of Major League Soccer were among those who grabbed the passenger near an exit door, FBI spokesman Gary Johnson said. Tie wraps were placed on the man, whose name was not immediately released. He was taken into custody in Oklahoma City and placed under psychiatric evaluation.