Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Holiday Shopping Tips

Do not charge anything you can’t pay off in the next 23 years.
Speed Racer and Leatherheads action figures now 70% off at Rite-Aid.
McCain/Palin lawn signs make great gag gift wrapping paper.
Take advantage of that big sale at The Dollar Store.
The stockings will be filled with disappointment if you shop at J Crew for your Twilight-loving little vamps.
Remember, the economic crisis is hurting the retailers too, so keep your shoplifting to a minimum.
Keep receipt for hassle-free return of expensive cocktail dress you really didn’t like but still wore to the office holiday party (and on four other occasions).
Dr. Phil’s latest diet book is the perfect gift for your friends who are both fat and dumb.
Beware: "What are you wearing right now?" is not a standard question when ordering gifts over the phone.
People love getting cash! Not that worthless American kind, try euros or whatever they use in Canada.
New "Somali Pirate Ship" Lego set selling fast, get yours soon.
If Santa’s lap is moist, grab your child and skedaddle.
Because of the recession, xxxxx is considered a legitimate gift.
Buying products advertised in unsolicited emails is a great way to save money and enlarge your penis.
Doing all of your shopping on Christmas Eve guarantees your loved ones will be receiving the freshest bags of grapes possible.
Gas stations would not sell neckties if they weren’t really great gifts.
Telling your loved one, "I got you an XXX-Large just to be safe," is not always appreciated.
Parking can be crazy. To protect your SUV from dings and scrapes, take up at least two spaces with your vehicle. People will leave it alone and definitely won’t key it.
Covering yourself from head to toe in thick mucus is an effective way to discourage pickpockets.
Mall shopping can be physically exhausting, be sure to bring along your personal trainer.
Spice things up for the office Pollyanna and burn latest celebutard sex tape on a DVD.

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