1. Man says to wife "I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing".
2. My uncle got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients. It's a real shame 'cause he's a really good vet.
3. Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, so the Security guard asks her "what's your Mom like?" Little girl replies "Big Cocks and Vodka".
4. The boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office and the boss says "I have a problem Ann, I have to lay you or Jack off....". Ann says "You better jack off, co's I've got a headache".
5. A friend said sorry I am late, had to see a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his dick...... I said I reckon he won't be shagging one of those again then.
6. Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.
7. A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. The Doc say's "that looks nasty". She say's "Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!"
8. Two newlyweds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks "do you have reservations?" The bride answers "Yes, I won't take it up the ass."
9. Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey pokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started. How to do the Hokey Pokey
10. We told our Granny it's important to keep fit as you get older. So when she was 60 she started walking 5 kilometers a day. She's 97 now and we don't have a fu**ing clue where she is!