Today

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn’t pick up hers.
Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection.
Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a image of me naked. I accidently sent it to my dad and got a text back saying "You definitely take after your mom".
Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way.
Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You’re looking very white today!" He’s African American.
Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list.
Today, the cleaning lady left a note that said my house was too dirty to clean.
Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth.
Today, I scored the winning goal in the state finals. For the other team.
Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that's what happens when you get fat.
Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting.
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Scheme Factory said...
What's up with that last one? Isn't it supposed to be a chick?..er oh yeah. Cool!

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