If his prayers don't get answered no one's willWednesday, March 26, 2008
Five Levels of Hangovers
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke–yet you haven’t peed once.
.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Rum vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ‘Floater’ thrown in. The sole purpose of this ‘Floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now…
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke–yet you haven’t peed once.
.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Rum vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ‘Floater’ thrown in. The sole purpose of this ‘Floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now…
WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
.
HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!! YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG F*CKING HOUSE
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
.
HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!! YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG F*CKING HOUSE
How to use your upcoming tax rebate…
As you may have heard, the present Republican Administration said that each and every one of us would now get a nice tax rebate. Of course, that is a traditional Republican way of buying votes.
So, what should we spend it on?
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs,
If we purchase a computer it will all go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,
If we purchase a car it will all go to Japan or Europe.
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America!! So, the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy hookers and beer and visit Indian casinos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
So, what should we spend it on?
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs,
If we purchase a computer it will all go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,
If we purchase a car it will all go to Japan or Europe.
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America!! So, the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy hookers and beer and visit Indian casinos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
